Thursday, June 21, 2012

Letters From My Fiancee Carol

These are handwritten letters from my fiancee, Carol. We've been together for about a year, and we show no sign of slowing down, with our love for each other. Every week, I hand write Carol a letter, and mail this to her with a card. And she writes me back as well. Her words to me warm my heart. In no particular order, here are some letters Carol has written me: Hello my love, Look at me- I'm writing you a letter. Expect the unexpected. Today, Julia and I went to Jelly Belly candy company for a free tour and free candy. It was something to do. I can tell already that she wishes she was in school again. And I wish I was with you. You would not believe how much I miss the weekends we had together. I felt I was in utopia. Being with you means more than I can express into words. When we are together, I feel not a care in the world. As you can see, I am being one of those nick maes you call me: Icon girl. LOL. I keep hoping our ship comes into port soon. As you can tell, I can be very impatient when it comes to our happiness and well being. I cannot thank you enough for moving closer to be near me. I just wish your situation was better for you. Hopefully, that woman you talked to can get you into the Guest House, where they can offer you better ways to secure employment. I am trying as well to get a job, but I have a barrier that is slowing down any opportunity I may have, and that is my age. Who wants to hire anyone this old. Oh well, I must keep trying. I cannot wait to see you my love on Tuesday. My week is just plain blah when I don't see and feel your presence. I love you so much, Dan. I visualize the days when we are together permanently. Waking up and saying good night to each other is what I crave so badly. Yes, we have to be patient for that day, but I can still think about it. I cannot wait to see you with your new eyeglasses. I bet you look good. Every night when I go to sleep, I pretend I am laying beside you with my head resting comfortably on your chest. Talk about paradise...... When I wake up in the morning, I pretend you are with me, and I'm just staring at you. I kiss you gently, as you open your eyes. And then we smile at each other. No words are spoken. I shall be going now, but I will never be gone from you, my love. Forever is what we are. I love my Dan, and I can't wait till or for that day we are together forever. Love, Carol (typist and ADD girl) Hello honey, Look at that! I am writing you a letter. I felt like expressing myself better than I have. I am so happy we are together Dan, but the thoughts I have about you touching me come strong, so I am sorry if I sound a bit anxious about our situation. It's that I love you more than I have expressed to you, and sometimes my feelings take over. I am being a bit selfish, but when someone like you comes into my life unexpectedly........ Sometimes I can't control myself. I never met anyone like you. I seriously thought that was it for me, and then you entered my life, and showed me that it's not over. I cherish every text message and phone call that we make, or I should say send to each other. The thought of you triggers strong and happy feelings of euphoria throughout my body and soul. It's a great feeling- knowing someone like you cares and loves me. For years, I have been wondering around this life. then, you find me, and rescue me from a life that I thought would be a life of being alone. I don't know what or who brought us together, but somehow they knew we belong together. I know we will one day be together in the flesh. When I see you, I will probably break down and cry like a baby. I have never cried so many happy tears for someone as I have cried for you. In a way, I think that was what I needed to do. I have held so much in me for too long. I dreamed all my life to have someone like you to share the rest of my days with. And now, we do. I don't look back on my life to see what I didn't have. I am looking forward to what we have now, and life looks very promising for us. I love you Dan, and I thank you for make me the happiest I have ever felt in my 49 yeas of life. We are with each other till the end, Me. Hey Dan, How's everything? I am watching the Detroit Lions battle the New Orlean Saints in a playoff game. Not too thrilling. Mom likes watching football. In fact, she is the one who got me interested in the Packers way back when. Bless her heart. Today, Julia, my mother, and I went to the library to film the project for Julia's right to passage onto the tenth grade. We had a blast. She set up her tripod and camera, and then said, 'roll em'. I had to pretend I was a student who had trouble drawing a heart. My mom was the art teacher who showed me the correct way to draw one. When I was successful, I yelled, 'yeah!' Now she just has to edit it and put it all together. She seems like a natural behind the camera. The other day when you were feeling very depressed, I sensed it from I don't know what. but it made me very sad. When you hurt, I hurt. I think that's maybe why I had two bad dreams in a row. Rather bad nightmares, I should say. but for some reason, the dreams involved my ex husband. He went back to the way he was when we were divorcing, and it was scary. Luckily, I was able to wake up from the nightmares. It was so nice talking to you tonight. You sound so much better, then a few days ago. I know what you are experiencing has to be worse than hell. When I hear your voice, I see your face, and it sends happy sensations throughout my soul. I said soul- LOL. I feel you have showed me I have a soul, but it took someone like you to realize I do have one. Thank you, honey. I am glad you enjoyed the card and candy I sent to you. The candy is a reminder how sweet you are to me. I know I should save my money, but I feel if I can sweeten your life a bit by sending candy, I will. You make doing nice things for you very easy. If I could, I would mail myself via priority mail. That would be awesome! I am learning to be patient. It's just hard for me when somebody good enters my life. I tend to want you more and more, which is great. Our next meeting is going to be awesome- maybe better than our first time, which was the best 48 hours of my life. I will probably hear fireworks again- LOL. Every day, seventeen hours of my day, are spent thinking of you, Dan. No matter where I am or what I am doing, thoughts of you are in my head, which I think is not so bad. You help to make my days so much better. One day, we won't have to be thinking, for we will be united permanently. I can't get over how Julia calls me and writes my name as Carol Abshear. She must be as happy as me, now that we have found each other. It makes her feel better when she sees that her mom is happy, and in a pleasant moo all the time. You know what and who has caused this to happen: THGWTFDS (The Hot Guy Way The Fuck Down South). I guess it is time for me to retire for the night. I surely miss you holding me tight at night. I felt like I was totally gone from any responsibilities when we were together for those 48 hours that were the best time I ever had in my life. Your warm and sweet touch is something I yearn for every night and day. Waking you up and waking up to you lying there is a feeling that I cannot explain. To see your handsome face and to feel you breathe is heaven. I love you, Dan, like I have never loved anyone before. We have something going on that people envy and wish for all their lives, like I yearned for until I met you. We will be together, honey. Until then, messaging, calling, and writing help to make that day come sooner. I cannot wait till that day arrives. I love you so much, Carol Today, I received a hand written letter from the new and final love of my life, Carol, as well as some treats and candy from her, along with a card. Recently, I got a job and a better place to stay, and the love of my life is very happy about that. I live with other guys now, so Carol made us some cookies and brownies. She and I met on this site, and we finally got together for two days of heaven, a couple of months ago. I proposed to her those two days we had, and she thankfully said yes. Unfortunately, Carol lives a few hundred miles away from me now. Thankfully, however, we are able to chat and speak every day, which we do often. I never thought I would find a girl who actually loves me. With the exception of one girl from my youth, the rest I feel did not love me in any way that I could detect. Here is what she wrote me, and my heart is warmed by the words she shared with me here: Hey Honey, Just a little something coming your way to share with your buddies to brighten up this dismal holiday. I tried to fit into the box, but no more room for me. I am so elated about the good opportunities finally coming your way. You of all people deserve it. Life rolls on in mysterious ways, but I absolutely love it is rolling for us. I love you, honey, and how I wish I could be celebrating the holidays together, but our time will happen eventually. Take care and know that I will always be here for you. Yours forever, Carol Carol and I see each other when we can. And occasionally, we get the money together to have for a weekend in a hotel. Here is about our first weekend together, which happened in the fall of last year: She picks me up at a certain location, I smile, and kiss and hug her. This was the first time she and I ever met in person. We met on Facebook this past Summer. I held her hand, as we walked to her car. We drive to steak and shake, and laugh with the waitresses there. We immediately achieve comfort with each other. We go to our hotel room, and make love immediately. We talk and laugh until the pizza arrives. We eat the pizza, while drinking orange crush. We make love again, followed by more laughing and talking. The following morning, we go to waffle house, and enjoy our breakfast, while laughing with the waitresses. We then do some shopping, and pick out an engagement ring for her. I proposed to her, and she thankfully said yes, quite confidently. We then go back to our hotel room, make love, and talk and laugh some more. We then head to outback steakhouse for an early dinner. We continue to make the waitresses laugh there, and we shared some ice cream there, dripping with chocolate sauce. We head back to our hotel room, make love, and talk and laugh some more. Sunday morning consisted of making love a few times, when not laughing and talking. She left this day, so we held each other quite a bit. I miss her deeply now, and await the next time we are together. Talk about a perfect weekend......

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Thoughts From Jail To Jacki

I spent approximately six weeks in jail two years ago, due to false allegations by my now ex wife. I wrote while in jail, and here is what I composed, with my traumatized mind, to a girl named Jacki- who was my girlfriend 25 years ago.

Week One:

In the fall of 2009, I spent over a month in jail, and was wrongfully imprisoned due to a false restraining order filed against me from my estranged wife.

To achieve some level of freedom, I wrote, and I wrote a lot. I composed over 20 thousand words while in jail. Most of these words were letters to Jacki- a girl I dated 25 years ago, and who I lived with recently as well.

While in jail, and imprisoned in this fashion, one's mind becomes altered often. There is great misery, and great hope. My state of mind is reflected in what I wrote while there.

The following is one of several letters I sent Jacki while in jail:

I'm starting to get comfortable here, and this frightens me a bit. It's just that I'm powerless at this point about progressing my case that resulted in me being here now. I have a court date on October 15th, and I will ask to speak on my own behalf to the judge as well as the prosecutor so I can negotiate with them about my situation.

I'm very anxious to start my life again. I will do this as I recover from the unnecessary trauma inflicted upon me, and as I miss Hayley incredibly. Both cause me to experience severe intrinsic, and silent, pain.

This is nothing short of unimaginable hell, as this pain I feel is indescribable- it is in fact worse than any kind of chronic torture I can possibly conceive.

On the back of this note, I was chatting with a deaf kid named William here in jail with me. We got here on the same day, and he needs a lawyer as well as me. William may be going to prison for theft.

I'm cutting out words from various magazines on this Friday night to use when I write Hayley the next time. These letters that she and I are doing back and forth are really making me very happy in the midst of great misery.

It's Saturday morning now, and I just got off the phone with you. I'll be thinking of your voice all day, and for the days to come. Do not worry about me, please. I can and do take care of myself. Jail is jail. It is not suppose to be enjoyable..

I've told my story to more than one here in jail about my ex wife Molly, and what she has done. They frown upon the fact I did not harm Molly in any way after what she has done to me and my family.

Many are violent here, of course. This explains why law enforcement dudes automatically presumed that I was violent. Violent because of those who are my fellow inmates now. Many are very mean.

We finally got to go to the library today here in jail. I got some magazines. No dirty magazines here, I'm sorry to say. There is also a law library here in jail, and I'll request to go to this library soon.

It's Saturday night, and I called a friend of mine from high school a moment ago. I asked him to contact our other friends from high school to try and get me a legal agent. he and these other friends have had legal issues in the past of their own, and they know legal agents as a result.

I'll not be able to mail this letter to you till Tuesday. This gives me two full days to continue to write to you, and revise what I write. I tend to do this often.

I've felt a need tonight to hold Molly and my daughter Hayley, and cry with them. This hate that has infected Molly needs to be treated in such a way. It needs to be cured by love.

I'll never have my family back again, and I have to learn to live with this. But I'm compelled to fight evil such as this in my life now whenever I possibly can. Always. It hurts.

It's Sunday morning here in jail, and I just shared some candy with other inmates. This elevated my popularity greatly, cause I really do not fit in here with them, overall.

Justin takes a particular interest with you here in jail, as I speak of you to him often. He is a 25 year old good looking guy, and he is a new dad. His son was born as he is in jail with me.

He witnessed me illuminate when I first heard from you here in jail. And I showed him letters you sent me that I wrote to you way over 20 years ago, which I find incredible, what I wrote.

Week Two:

The following is a continuation of notes I composed to another while wrongfully imprisoned recently:

"Serenity, beauty, and freedom. It only took me 42 years to find all of these things."

To do drugs here, the inmates on occasion swallow ballons containing such drugs, and these drugs are, well, retrieved, at a later time. To smoke pot, the inmate wraps the pot in bible paper. Cigarettes can and have been placed directly into the rectum- just so you know. Of course, aside from coffee, I've done no other drugs while in jail.

Having sex with my ex wife was like trying constantly to copulate with death. I attempted to reproduce with progressive atrophy through amplified apoptosis, so it seems.

It's Thursday, and it is very rainy outside here now. It is very pretty watching this rain fall over the Mississippi river.

I've been in jail for exactly one month today. And I'm so ready to get the fuck out of here.

This is my all time nadir, I think. you are in fact the elixer of my present state- you are the panacea for removing my ego and confidence from the pergatory of their present residence in the trancendal intensive care unit. It was kismet when our mutual friend Ryan drove me to Marietta, where I met you for the first time.

The inmates watch, "Jerry Springer" on TV before lunch here in jail. What a dumb-ass show. Our society is clearly warped. It's quite sad.

Just got your letter from Monday. I'm fighting this restraining order against me by being in jail right now. My love for Hayley continues to fuel me.

With the letters I write to Hayley, I send them to Molly's parent's house. I do not have an address directly for Hayley now. Molly's parents are wonderful people, and will likely insist that Hayley read what I write her. And it is also likely her mother is opposed to this, but fuck her, quite frankly.

The words I read from Hayley here- they are great. There is energy, joy and happiness in the words Hayley writes to me now. This bond I now have resurrected between Hayley and I was against all odds.

I fucking did it, Jacki. Not too many 11 year old children from similiar situations would be able to express such joy generated from their father. I'm glad I created and allowed this to occur.

I'm homeless at the age of 43. I was very much middle class just a few years ago. The trip from a limosine to a ditch is a very short trip.

Thanks for knowing and acknowledging that I care about you. And thanks for forgiving me when I have shared words with you that I did not mean.

I can always get in the mood to write, but the writing is always much more exploratory when I'm altered, as the case here in jail. It's like drunk-dialing, in a way.

Keep writing me, Jacki. I love your words.

Week Three:

he following is a continuation of notes I composed to another while wrongfully imprisoned recently:

I should really see you soon now that my mind is clear. If I do, I should really stay perhaps with your mother. This will truly test my endurance as well as my stamina, I believe. I'll be her slave, if she allows me to stay there.

I'm very glad I'm off of drugs of any kind now. It's been close to two months since I've taken my prescribed medications. My last refill I got was the day my ex wife Molly filed a restraining order against me.

So I got these prescriptions filled, and then I took over 100 pills of speed and tranquilizers within five days after that refill. At this time I was intentionally over-dosing myself, I really did not wish to live anymore. I'm thankfully no longer in that frame of mind. Suicide attempts seem to sneak up on me.

And I did not notice the brutal withdrawals as I've had in the past when getting of these particular drugs prescribed to me. This is due to the hell I'm going through now masking such symptoms.

It is very cool writing you like this again. If I recall correctly, the last time you wrote me in the year 1988, you were understandably pissed at me. So the letter I recently received from you here in jail was pleasantly refreshing.

And I'm sorry most recently for those times when I've snapped at you with what I've wrote to you when I've not been in jail, Jacki. I ask that you forgive me. I do care about you a great deal.

This method my ex wife molly has chosen to destroy our family with deliberate intent- a family filled with love from myself and my daughter Hayley- is very pathological. My heart remains full of love right now, yet this love no longer runs smoothly within my heart. I am channeling this love to Hayley, however. And I believe this is effective, and is working to benefit Hayley, as well as myself.

I wonder at times here in jail if I will ever marry or become a father again. Presently, I do not have a desire to do either. I was married for 20 years, and I have a beautiful daughter right now.

To initiate a sequel to my life so far just seems so wrong right now on many levels. This concept therefore seems very foreign to me presently. I believe I'll achieve happiness and peace any way my life may progress.

Week Four:

The following is a continuation of notes I composed to another while wrongfully imprisoned recently:

Thanks for sending me that quotation from Clint Eastwood recently. I've actually had another quote in my mind lately by Tyler Durden in the very well-written movie, "Fight Club": "You must lose everything in order to be free to do anything." Indeed. I in fact and remarkably feel very free right now as I reside in jail. I'm void of fear.

By the way, your handwriting is as gorgeous as you are- and almost as perfect. You are rather talented.

Jail isn't too bad, really. I've always believed that we are all imprisoned in various ways- in one way or another. Jail simply actualizes our reality, perhaps. Man, am I deep, or what? I've traded a terrible marriage for a very welcome philosophy.

Of course, you are the only girl I write to while I'm in jail. I did send my ex girlfriend Janice a four page letter last week. She likely will not reply to me, I'm sure. I trust you will continue to write me for the rest of your life.

Hayley wrote me in jail a couple of weeks ago after I wrote to her immediately after I got here. Not seeing Hayley or speaking with her is clearly a new experience in pain for me. I cry, and these tears are welcome. I did write Hayley back afterwards, and I'm sure the words I wrote to her will give her happiness.

So when we enter jail, we are not allowed to bring any possessions of any kind inside with us- such as addresses of others, or their phone numbers. We are not even allowed to bring such benign items as, say, machine guns.

So again, I'm glad you found me here, and continue to write me. Your words help me greatly tolerate my enviornment as I'm imprisoned.

Speaking with you on the phone on occasion combined with your letters to me greatly mend my depression. You are that much more in my soul now. I feel I owe you big time. Whatever you may want in the future from me, you shall have. You share my madness with me now.

Please get me a new wife as soon as you can, if you will not marry me yourself. There must be a catalogue or something for this that I seek. Or perhaps you could call for me one of those 'free' phone numbers, such as 1-800-976-BABE.

"I could get hit by a bus today. I might as well love the people I love, and take as many risks as possible." ---- Malin Akerman.

"Changing the world. That's what I plan on doing with my future." ---- Tristan Wilds.

I finally got some more paper to write on here in jail, as well as some stamped envelopes, coffee, crackers, and other items to eat this afternoon. I mailed you a very long letter that you may get this weekend from me. All mail I send you will go to your work address.

I still do not know when exactly I will leave jail. I do not have a set court date right now for these violations of law that are fictitious. I wrote my probation officer today as well to continue to ensure her support, and asked for her help in possibly getting me released from jail.

So I've done all I can do right now. I'll be in jail for an entire month next week. I'm at the mercy of those who have imprisoned me.

While I'd rather be someplace else besides jail, I actually feel pretty good. I'm completely detoxified, and this is a very good thing. I'm also motivated to re-invigorate my life. And I will do this once I am free.

I do not believe that I'll ever be able to fully mend what may be permanent damage my ex wife Molly has done to my family. Any attempts by me to repair such damage will likely land me in jail once again. I'm still striving to maintain my daughter Hayley's emotional and mental state, however. The family law system in this counbtry is more damaging to families than I could possibly have imagined.

When hostility replaces intimacy, society is in a clear state of apathy. So I feel I need to leave the state of Missouri as soon as I can. For one thing, I'm too compelled to fix this damage Molly has done to others. Yet jail is not where I wish to be.

Week Five:

As I've mentioned in the past, when one is a guest in jail as an inmate, their mind becomes altered often due to a toxic combination of hope and misery. We as inmates all react to this alteration that occurs in different ways.

In my case, I regressed often. I regressed back to my high school days, and my first love, who was a girl named Janice. As a result, I composed the following while in jail some time ago:

I remember my first night in jail. This happened soon after my wife Molly's free team or army of legal professionals began their surprise attack on me. I spent this night in a holding unit after spending hours in booking.

I remember laughing in the booking area with others due to a drunk there mumbling things half asleep. I had no fear then, nor do I now.

As I slept in this holding unit, I dreamed somehow about the love I felt deeply for my first love, a girl named Janice. What I felt in this dream was incredibly pure, and as peaceful as I imagine death to be.

Such a feeling has been largely absent in my life during the course of my previous marriage in particular. I believe this is why I dreamed so wonderfully that night in jail. It filled a great void within me, this dream.

That, and this holding unit reminded me greatly of boot camp in many ways that I experienced at the age of 18. Janice was very much in my life then- when I left her to go in the military.

So with Janice, my first and only true love, she is friends with the girl next door when i grew up, whose name is Missy. I had a huge crush on Missy when I was in my early teen years. Missy was my first real crush on a girl.

So Missy's friend Janice found me attractive. I found Janice pretty, but rather plain. My skills at judging women were premature at this stage in my life. It turns out that Janice is far from plain- she is rather exceptional in many ways.

Janice and I were very much in love with each other between the years of 1983 and 1984- a bit longer in my case. We actually lost our virginity to each other during this time in the back of her pea green 1973 Chevy Impala one summer night in the year 1983.

After I graduated high school in the year 1984, I decided I needed to improve myself greatly- for Janice. So I joined the Navy as a medic. I've always had an interest in helping others, and in medicine. This passion remains alive within me to this day.

Our relationship ended as many do at our young ages at the time soon after I left for the military. I've never forgotten about Janice- and I still think of her daily. She married the same year I did in 1990. She had two daughters with her husband before they divorced in the year 1998.

It was great being in love with Janice. i would re-live this great and joyful pain of such love in a New York minute. Even this pain was quite devastating at times, I would always strive to see and visit with Janice whenever I could, and whenever she would allow me to do so.

I wished to hold her. So when I was fortunate enough to see Janice, I'd experience the most welcome pain in my heart- as it would really stop when I'd first catch sight of Janice during those years after our break up in 1984.

I'd hold Janice, and I would pray to the romantic Gods that seconds would manifest into minutes. So I would hold and hug Janice as long as I was allowed to do so. I would close my eyes as I would completely absorb her as I held her. I would never trade this pain I continue to feel within me.

Not long ago, when I was making a lot of money, I'd visit Janice at her home a few times a month- and we would talk into the late hours of the night. this was after Janice divorced her husband. I never got intimate with Janice this year or so I did this- did these visits with her.

I enjoyed the harmless time with Janice. Also, at times, I'd try and financially help Janice and her daughters- when she would allow me to do this. Janice was a schoolteacher, and did not make a lot of money. I did not mind helping her in this way at all. I considered myself rather wealthy at the time.

Janice finally re-married to a fairly decent guy, and she moved to Erie, PA 4 years ago. By chance, I saw her at a store only the day before she moved. That was the last time I saw Janice. I did however speak with her on the phone only months ago. Like I said, she is always in my thoughts.

Week Six:

The following is a continuation of notes I composed to another while wrongfully imprisoned recently:

Recently, I met a black guy here with a tattoo of the staff of Ausculapeous on his forearm. This is a medical symbol, and it turns out he got this tattoo in honor if his father, who was a medic in the Vietnam war.

I'm watching, 'Funniest Home Videos', with other inmates at this time. This show is also rather unfortunate, but not as bad as, 'The Jerry Springer Show'. We fortunately do watch, "The Simpsons", daily here.

This is a good thing, compared to the other dumb ass mind-numbing shows on TV here that most inmates choose to watch. I watch television rarely- here in jail or anyplace else.

I continue to offer diagnoses to other inmates here in jail. There are more tinea versicolor cases in my unit in jail. These are typical fungal skin infections. Another inmate had a lipoma on his neck- which is a fat cyst. Another guy has gynecomastia. Other cases were atopic dermatitis with unknown etiology.

Back to the rashes here in jail: The inmates are overly concerned about minor medical issues such as these. The inmates can in fact order tolnaftate and hydrocortisone on their own.

Yet most if not all inmates do not know about these topical creams, and that these creams will successfully treat most rashes acquired by jail inmates. So I have educated them on these treatment options, and may give a class on the various medicinal products inmates can order, and how they may benefit them.

There are many chronically poor people in jail. They trip out a bit when I tell them I was once a corporate executive for an entire decade. They wonder what the fuck I'm doing here in jail. So do I.

They also think the world of me if I happen to share small items with them- such as candy or coffee. Cause in jail, you never share with other inmates. I mean, if you do this, you are being perhaps nice and kind. This could ironically get your ass kicked often.

There is a very nice black guy here in jail with me named Courtney. I noticed deep scars on his back one day. He was slashed several times in downtown St. Louis not long ago. And yet he still is a kind guy. That is character

My marriage served a needed purpose. My daughter Hayley was conceived and born. I completely raised Hayley with all of my love for most of her life. So mission completed with tremendous joy.

I finally got some needed sleep last night here in jail. My emotions were greatly elevated yesterday due to lack of sleep, and I found myself greatly depressed as a result. Today is much better.

It is Columbus day today. I'm pissed, because aside from the meals here in jail, there is not much to look forward to this day. There will be no mail received by inmates today.

I somehow sprained my right knee since I've been in jail. It's a medial meniscus tear- and feels like a first or second degree sprain. I need to brace this knee for about a week so it can heal. In jail, we actually sleep on steel with a very thin covering. This may somehow be the cause of my sprain.

It's pretty outside here for October. The leaves are starting to change.

Jacki- please do not worry about me. I felt that you were concerned as I read your words to me in a recent letter. I'm not suffering, and I know why I am here in jail. It is a battle I needed to fight. I do not pick my battles. I fight those that need to be fought.

I look outside the small window in my cell in jail, and I see free people. This sucks out loud. I also see a great father and his child right now. This is going to be a long fucking day, I can tell already.

For breakfast, we had hard-boiled eggs here. As I ate these eggs, I could not help but to think of the movie, "Cool Hand Luke."

Usually, I crash here in jail well after midnight. A small breakfast is served after I sleep for these few hours. Then, I basically read and write till lunch arrives here at noon. Dinner is at 5 p.m.

Mail gets here about 8 p.m. Then the same day is lived in the days that follow. Laundry arrives fresh on Mondays and Thursdays here in jail. We as inmates are allowed to buy and order treats and such on Sundays. These items are then delivered to us on Wednesdays.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

She's A Beauty- My Online Life Partner

There is Facebook- one of many social networking sites that exist today. Relationships can and do form on such sites. Some of these relationships can and do become intimate. Marriages can happen, from two people meeting on a social networking site such as facebook.

A few months ago, I began a conversation with a girl I had never actually spoken with on this site. We ended up speaking to each other either on this site or on the phone in these past few months- daily, and often.

Last weekend, we actually met, and spent the weekend together.

I'm now in love, and we are engaged to be married, this girl and I. Online relationships can work. These days, it's often the only suitable method for seeking a life partner. Myself, I live in a bad part of the city, so seeking a potentially intimate relationship is difficult, if not impossible.

With Carol, who is with me on pictures I've posted on facebook, I met her again on facebook, and we started exchanging messages with each other for hours each day. It's necessary for both people to have some courage in order to progress with the relationship you intend to have, and hope for. She was immediately open and honest with me, as I am with her.

Also, it's necessary for each person to have some degree of faith, and to be largely absent of any cynicism and pessimism regarding any intimate relationship that may form. Carol and I both had very long marriages before we met, with people clearly not suitable for us.

Any bitterness, regret, anger, or anxiety we had relating to our past relationships, we kept out of our own relationship, and this continues to this day.

Each person must not have any paranoia about meeting a stranger in such a way. Again, we finally met last weekend, Carol and I. And the weekend we spent together was entirely flawless. It helps if both people are extroverts, as she and I are. The comfort we had and have towards each other was nothing like anything I had ever experienced in the past.

We both had a very high degree of comfort with each other, due in large part to trusting each other. We made love almost immediately, but the weekend was not about sex. We spend most of our time together talking to each other, and laughing together. We were ourselves with each other, and this works.

I actually did propose to her, and she said yes.

That is how strong our feelings are for each other, in such a short period of time. Since we are both homeless right now, getting married any time soon will not happen. But I did just get a job here last week, so I'll save some money, so I can see her again soon.

Our relationship is as real and powerful as any intimate relationship formed in traditional manners, such as meeting at a church or social function. Or being introduced by family members, possibly. Our union was born out of the exchange of words to each other, which is really all that matters.

Our physical attractiveness to each other helped facilitate our interest in each other, but the words we share with each other solidified the intensity of how we feel about each other. We will get married someday, and I do in fact love this girl as I have loved no other before her,

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

How To Be Homeless

"With food stamps, in most states you can acquire a free cell phone. I did this in Atlanta. It's 250 free minutes a month, for a year or longer. As a homeless person, it's likely you will not have many friends calling you on your free cell phone. But such a phone is necessary often, for potential job interviews, and potential crisis situations."

by Dan Abshear

What would you do, if you had everything, and then suddenly lost all of that in a matter of seconds?

That is what happened to me two years ago. My now ex-wife of two decades got a restraining order against me, and I was evicted from my $250,000 home.

Ten police officers arrived and I was given two minutes to leave my own home. I grabbed some clothes, and got in my car. I had no idea what to do next. I had to somehow live out of my car.

Sleeping out of your own car is not easy. You can't exactly park anywhere. Initially, I parked in the parking lot of a library in a town in Missouri. Eventually, a police officer woke me one night, and informed me this was illegal. Fortunately, the police officer was gentle with me, and told me to go sleep at a truck stop. This was an excellent idea- not many bother you at a truck stop. I slept at truck stops for months.


You see, you can't sleep anywhere you want, when you are homeless. Even without a car, you can't simply decide to sleep in a field. Likely, that field belongs to someone else. You can get arrested. Those in the homeless world call this 'urban camping'. People go to jail for this. Many decide to sleep in abandoned buildings, behind abandoned buildings, or on top of buildings. All such acts are illegal. It's just a matter of time before you're caught.

Then you have weather issues. It gets rather cold in winter in most parts of the United States. I know of people who have frozen to death sleeping under bridges. It's also dangerous. In many cases, such people who die sleeping outside do so by choice. Suicide rates are extremely high among the homeless for obvious reasons.

abshear.jpeg(Dan Abshear, left)

I'm active online. I have many friends on Facebook. I also have girls who have unrealistic affinities for me on Facebook. One girl was from Atlanta, Georgia. She and I spoke online and on the phone for a couple of years, even before my ex wife decided to destroy me. She was infatuated with me, quite clearly. She was aware of my homeless situation, and invited me to live with her in Atlanta. Much to my opposition, she left her husband of 12 years, for me. I made the trip down to Atlanta, and decided to live with this girl.

We lived together for about 6 months. It's never a good idea, I think, to move on relationships you may form online. Quite understandably, I was not the man she perceived me to be. Her emotions for me where quite stronger than any feelings I had for her.

She got pregnant with our child towards the end of our 6 months together, so I decided to check myself into drug rehabilitation with the veterans administration, since I'm a military veteran, and I had had a rather significant addiction to drugs and alcohol for many years. While recovering in drug rehabilitation, this girl decided to abort our child without my consent. This of course ended our relationship, and my place to stay.

The VA has a homeless program for veterans, and I entered this program. It was a very good program. They provided a roof over my head, an apartment, for several months. But you must be recovering from substance use, in order to be in the program. So, it's always a good idea to at least say you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, even if you don't, while homeless, and in need of a place to stay. This not only involves the VA but other programs that often exist in large cities within the United States, for homeless people with substance issues.


Homeless shelters themselves in larges US cities often suck They are unclean, and do not allow you to stay there for long periods of time. They are also unsafe, since security is virtually non-existent. Any possessions you may have are likely to be gone in a short period of time. Always seek drug rehabilitation facilities. They are much safer and you, as a homeless person, can stay at such facilities much longer.

At such locations, there is often a Christan element. Learn to accept this religious dimension if you are not Christian.

Homeless people panhandle- ask strangers for money. I've never done this, but it does happen- especially in large cities in the United States. There are laws involving this activity. If you are homeless, learn these laws. Don't go to jail trying to survive.

Also, when you become homeless, get food stamps. They are easy to get. Most counties have locations to get food stamps. It's $200 dollars a month that enables you to eat. The food you are allow to get has to be cold, and cannot include alcohol purchases.

Many homeless decide to sell their food stamps, in order to have money, unfortunately for drugs. The going rate is 50 cents for every food stamp dollar you sell to another. You can go several days, in fact weeks, without eating. This is why you see homeless drug addicts very skinny and malnourished.

With food stamps, in most states, you can acquire a free cell phone. I did this in Atlanta. It's 250 free minutes a month, for a year or longer. As a homeless person, it's likely you will not have many friends calling you on your free cell phone. But such a phone is necessary often, for potential job interviews, and potential crisis situations.

Presently, I'm staying at the Salvation Army, through the VA homeless program, at a different location In St. Louis, Missouri. I moved here because this is where I'm from, and all those I care about live. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me, but I'm glad I have a place to stay. When you are homeless, it's all about acquiring resources. Even if you are not presently homeless, learn to do this. Do not find yourself in a situation where you feel you have the inability to survive. Learn to exist.

I would like to add that there are social stigmas associated with being homeless. Most ignore us.

I helped homeless often with cash normally back when I was making money, but I never got involved in their situations. And I did judge them, and I regret that now.

Because I used to make a lot of money, I have taste in quality clothes. So I bought some 500 dollar sport coats at a goodwill store recently. I now wear those at various places in the city, and people treat me as if I'm not homeless. They have no idea. I

I really wonder how many homeless people are out there have disguised themselves in such ways.

Monday, July 11, 2011

School Asked My Child If I Molested Her

July 8, 2011

"I think the school staff were man-haters, and resented me because, as a doting father, I upset their prejudices. They thought incest was the only possible explanation for a father's love."

by Dan Abshear

In January 2007, staff at my eight-year-old daughter's public school in Missouri interrogated her for an hour to determine if I had molested her. There was absolutely no reason for them to do this.

I worked out of my home at the time and largely raised my daughter, while my now ex-wife worked. I had established rituals during her school days.
These included taking her to our favorite local doughnut shop in the morning and often bringing lunch to her at school.

During my visits to my daughter's school. I always found the teachers to be very warm and kind people.

However, the administrative staff were rather distant judging by their body language, and their unwillingness to interact with me. They were mostly middle-aged women.

On one unforgettable day, they interrogated my daughter for about an hour. When I picked her up, she was crying.

She said she was asked leading questions such as, "did your daddy ever touch you there? Do you think your daddy likes touching you there?" The answer to such questions was 'no,' of course.

I spoke with her for hours that night, which was difficult for me. In the days that followed, she did not appear permanently scared by that interrogation.

My daughter was completely unaware that parents were even capable of such acts described in graphic detail by school staff.

There was no evidence for these allegations. My daughter was and is a straight "A" student, and an incredibly balanced individual. What caused my daughter's school to make these outrageous charges and traumatize my daughter remains unknown to me this this day.


Her mother was unresponsive regarding these false allegations.

An expected reaction might have been one of shock and disbelief.
Instead she displayed apathy.

My then wife, who was in fact a radical feminist lesbian, and likely a psychopath, became good friends with the rather attractive female principal of this school in the following weeks.

Her behavior was the first red flag that she posed a danger to myself and my family.

I started to research the legalities and learned that schools get a lot of money from the government for prosecuting fathers like myself, regardless if he is guilty or innocent. I realized that I might go to prison if this situation were not resolved.

So I sent some legally threatening emails to the principal including a threat to sue the school district and contact the media. They dropped it and I continued to have lunch with my daughter at her school.

On one occasion, I returned home to find a police officer waiting for me.

The police officer told me to stop going to my daughter's school, because school staff told the police I had a 'threatening disposition'.

I stopped going. I think the school staff were man-haters, and resented me because, as a doting father, I upset their prejudices. They thought incest was the only possible explanation for a father's love.


Due to her mother implementing parental alienation, I've not see or spoken to my now 13-year-old daughter in almost two years now. On Father's Day, she sent me an email. (Excerpt:"My braces r off and my hairs long. I'm also 5'8 now!!!")

All things considered, she sounded really good. I continue to hand write Hayley once a week, and send her money when I can. Rarely does she write back, but I still continue to write her.

The email absolutely made my day, and decreased my sadness about the absence of my daughter, greatly. I suffer from chronic depression due to my daughter being gone from my life right now.

Also by Dan Abshear

Living in a Car After False DV Charges

MD$ On the Take: My Career-Ending Expose

Hitting Bottom: A Personal Story

I Married a Lesbian

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Married A Lesbian


While being married to a lesbian for 20 years was painful, it actually made me a better person.

I met my ex-wife when I was about 14 years old. We grew up in the same small town in Missouri. She and I are 4th cousins as well.

She took an interest in me when I was 21 years old. She called me when I was home on leave while serving in the U.S. Navy. This was the first time I ever had any girl call me for a date. Because of this, I canceled a date I had another girl. We got married three years or so after this first date.

Coming from a rather abusive and broken family myself, I was determined to have a very moral and meaningful marriage with my wife.

My marriage is called a mixed orientation marriage, and millions exist in the United States alone. Most are unknowingly married to homosexual men, and the rest of us are or were married to homosexual women.

I mean, think about it: How do you really know about the sexual orientation of your spouse? Not all of us have gay-dar that is sharp enough to detect such a deception.

However, one thing that should be obvious to any man in my situation is that your spouse is unresponsive to you, sexually and otherwise. As such, I found myself trying to discover why. Her being a lesbian was the furthest thing from my mind, at least during the first few years of our marriage. So I immediately starting asking myself, 'why is my wife, who I loved so much, ignoring me?

Initially, I thought my wife was not attracted to me, physically. She was sexually impotent with me, and this puzzled me. So, I began to exercise very aggressively and intensely. This would include such activities as weightlifting and long distance bicycling.

While rather puny when I got married, I developed into quite a attractive and sturdy young man. This was all to please my wife and gain her affection. I improved my diet and continued these exercise habits until the age of 40.

Since this didn't increase her intimacy toward me, I began to wonder if she wanted me to make more money. The first six or so years of our marriage, I barely made more than minimum wage. We were very poor, and in debt.

So, I somehow became a corporate executive with one of the largest and most respected pharmaceutical corporations in the world. Soon after this, my lesbian spouse and I were set, financially. Unfortunately, this was not the answer to her lack of affection towards me, either.

My last hope at discovering why my lesbian spouse was so apathetic was that I was not treating her the way I should. Now, I was a patient caregiver for about a dozen years- I always thought I was one of the nicest and caring individuals that existed.

But, I was determined to discover why my wife was so emotionally vacant. So, I tried to become a more gentle and effective lover with her. In addition, I tried very hard to assure her of my own love.

I'd kiss her, and really mean it, with my love for her. I'd be very polite with her always- a gentleman constantly. Unfortunately, this transformation did not alter her behavior towards me.

In the years that followed, I noticed my wife taking what I view as an unusual interest in other women. In fact, I would classify her relationships with some other women as intimate. To this day, I do not know if my wife had sexual relationships with those women.

So the year is now 2003, and my wife has yet to acknowledge her homosexual tendencies. We are raising our daughter at this point, so her behavior towards other women was becoming even more of a concern. I insisted that she seek professional help.

She only saw a psychiatrist and therapist a few times. She never confided in me so I visited the same psychiatrist. He told me that my wife was in fact a lesbian, and that it would destroy me in time if I did not divorce her.

It is now the year 2005. At this point, I was not really shocked. By 2006, I had given up on our relationship. Rather than act , I just shut down almost completely. My career ended, and I stopped exercising.

Interestingly, our sex life actually improved a great deal. It appears that my knowing she was a lesbian may have given her some freedom.

I suffered from severe depression and took refuge in prescription drugs. My wife finally ended our marriage - and she did so by falsely accusing me of domestic violence.

When you love something, or someone, you will discover their secrets.

My now ex wife never hated me for anything I ever did to her. In fact, I was a damn good husband and father. She hates me to this day for what I know about her. And my ex wife has yet to disclose to anyone that she is a lesbian. She continues to live this lie.

My ex wife presently has a boyfriend in order to continue the concealment. It's likely that's why she married me in the first place. I do not know this boyfriend but I already feel the pain that he may experience.

Today, I'm in a relationship with another woman, who immediately gave me what my wife of decades never did- love and intimacy that can be felt and heard.

Also today, I'm recovering from drug abuse, and the many years of emotional abuse from my ex wife. I will recover. I will mend.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hitting Bottom: A Personal Story

"We were train wrecks for different reasons, so we were perfect for each other."

by Dan Abshear

About two years ago, my then wife of 20 years decided to falsely accuse me of violently abusing her. A restraining order was issued against me by her as well, so I was evicted out of my own home. Soon after that, I was arrested related to these false accusations and wrongfully incarcerated for over a month.

While in jail, I spoke with quite a few men who were abused by the family law system. Most shocking to me at the time were those men on their way to prison for failure to pay child support. Most of these men were without income, yet they were convicted of this 'crime."

In April of last year, I spent a week on the mental health ward of the veterans administration hospital in Atlanta, for suicidal ideation, among other mental issues. They determined I was a drug addict, so I checked myself into the veterans administration substance abuse treatment program in May of last year.

After completing the VA substance abuse treatment program, I was homeless once again. The VA has a homeless program for veterans, so I entered this program. They placed me in an apartment with 5 other men, whose lives had been wrecked, as mine had been only two years ago.

Most of the men I encountered and became friends within the VA system were very poor, and older black men. It's a subculture I was completely unaware of, until this program. Many had spent a great deal of their lives incarcerated, and many were drug addicts. However, most of these men are very intelligent, and kinder than your average American citizen.

In less than a year, three of these friends I acquired took their own lives. Their pain quite obviously was equal or greater than the pain I continue to experience due to being destroyed by my ex wife. I continue to miss these friends.

Last Summer, while in this VA homeless program, I met a veteran girl going through the program with me. We were train wrecks for different reasons and therefore perfect for each other. Like me, she is not very attractive, physically, and is homeless, like me, but for different reasons.

This girl, like many of us, has been abused, physically and otherwise, for most of her life. She never had a decent lover/boyfriend, she tells me. I care for her unintentionally in various ways, and she thinks the world of such acts I may do for her. That does it for me- loving and caring for another girl authentically. That completes me. Most men have been programmed to view women, and their roles in our lives potentially, unrealistically.

The VA also has a program for unemployed veterans to work at their hospital for a period of 6 months, tax free. It's under the table money, which this girl and I both desperately needed. So throughout last winter, she and I both worked in this program, and saved a few thousand dollars between us.

During that time, a man I met online in Indiana offered his farm house to us there. Since our time in the homeless program with the VA was soon ending, we took him up on his offer. This is now were we currently live, with this man in Indiana.

We have no idea what tomorrow will bring us. We live day by day here, as we did with the VA homeless program in Atlanta. But we have greater peace now. We have greater freedom. And most importantly, we have each other. It makes each day worthwhile. Without each other, our lives were vacant, I believe. Our live our void of any desirable future- without each other. It's that way with most homeless people, I've discovered. They are alone. Completely alone. This girl and I- we have hope. And hope is a very good thing in the human life always.

The veteran's administration was very good for me in a number of ways. Their hospital was top notch, I felt, as a patient there. I continued to receive mental health therapy from them once discharged from their hospital. As a former patient caregiver myself, I found the caregivers associated with that hospital exceptionable.

I found the substance abuse treatment I received from them quite interesting, which lasted several weeks. My undergrad from college is in behavioral sciences, so I was only aware of such programs from that knowledge only, before entering this program.

They spoke of free will frequently during our daily group sessions- virtually ignoring the biological basis for addiction. That would be the only complaint I have of such a program. Well, that and their insistence that some God can replace our addictions. PLEASE.............

I'm also thankful for the VA homeless program, which gave me a roof over my head for several months. They never really helped me get a job, however. Yet, they insisted I somehow find a job immediately, or they would soon discharge me from the homeless program. These threats were tacit and frequent. This is why it's more comfortable here, with my friend in Indiana, with a place to live.

But the people I met in the homeless program often relieved my pain by providing a unique relationship with each of them. Such friends were African American males, mostly. I'm clearly white, yet they fully accepted me, as I did them.

Our backgrounds were overtly different from vocational and domestic paradigms, but our similarities, aside from being veterans, such as kindness and intelligence, is what drew us to each other during our daily lives in this program, with these men.

My girlfriend, who most have ignored throughout her life, I feel, is one of the most intelligent and righteous humans that exist. After the nightmares I have with past relationships women, my ex wife in particular, this girlfriend is quite refreshing for me.

Like me, she's a bit socially awkward. But then again, those few people that have existed that have been remotely like her have usually been ostracized by society for such reasons.

We've known each other for about a year, my girlfriend and I, but we made love for the first time only recently.

It was amazing, making love with her- and during a thunderstorm that was occurring at the same time. I felt something during this night I can only describe as spiritual with her, which I had never felt with a woman, before making love with her this night.

It's my firm belief that people enter our lives for rather clear reasons, once examined. My girlfriend illustrates this belief.