As some know, I've been going through hell right now due to domestic issues- specifically, my soon to be ex wife filing a bogus restraining order against me, as she claimed I violently abused her one night in August of last year. Since then, I've lost everything, and I am homeless.
I have not seen my 12 year old daughter since this event occured. The pain of this particular cave in my abyss is rather painful.
There are those on various social and professional websites who never met me, yet are clearly aware of my pain. Carey Stronach is one of them. He reached out to me recently to offer a friend of his, who clearly is an excellent legal agent.
This is character. This is what we do when no one is looking. This is how we act without the slightest possibility of receiving something in return. Thank you Carey. And I thank your friend who wrote the following to me regarding my ordeal with a false restraining order issued against me by my former spouse, and my incarceration that followed:
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, it is the same story I hear a hundred times a year -- but the names are different. Your specifics certainly sound as though your ex was "trained" on how to use (actually "abuse") the system. Why settle for half in a divorce when you can get it all and not even have to go through a divorce trial?
There has been a disturbing change over the past 30 years in the US, and the world, for that matter -- whereby "the rule of law" and the sanctity of family has given way to new social engineering schemes, unintended consequences of good intentions, deluded political ideology and sometimes outright vicious selfishness.
Over the years, the latter have manipulated themselves into the system, garnering $100K-$250K per year each in taxpayer funded salaries and increased their numbers by the thousands, with like-minded individuals whose sole purpose is to protect and increase their salaries by wildly exaggerating a minuscule problem and tweaking the laws to eviscerate the Constitution and bankrupt men to keep them from mounting adequate legal defense.
Part of the scheme is to paint you as unstable, dangerous and to emotionally and financially devastate you so that their false allegations appear to be true. It is hard to appear sane and rational when the full weight of the government and free lawyers with unlimited taxpayer funds allocate every single resource to terminate your natural and Constitutionally protected rights.
Sadly, the evolution of this travesty has included "federal incentives" to the States to comply and aggressively pursue this unconscionable course of action. The family destruction machine that now exists is practically unbeatable unless you have substantial financial resources and even then, success is not always certain. Even if you are successful, the damage done to the child(ren) is irreversible.
Without funds, you will be forced to compromise yourself and admit to falsehoods merely so you can be allowed to be a "visitor" in your child's life and in so doing, become an indentured servant to the very machine that destroyed your, and your child's life.
My advice to you is to bail. Get out of the jurisdiction. Get out of the country before they revoke your ability to flee their slavery and cancel your passport. They already have you and there is no winning and there is no escape.
This is not "abandoning your daughter." This is the only thing you can do to save your relationship with your daughter and preserve any assets that you might be able to assist her with in the future.
Child support is the only form of transfer of funds to a fiduciary, trustee or guardian where there is no requirement that the funds be spent for their intended purpose, no accountability, no penalty for misuse and no penalty for the outright theft of the funds.
The woman that you will have to pay has already demonstrated that she does not have one ounce of comprehension or care for "the best interests of the child." Why on earth would you assume that she would suddenly start caring with regard to money you send for the child?
She won't. This is not to mention all the other expenses you will incur attending anger management classes, probably substance abuse classes, probation fees, court costs, etc. Thousands of leeches depend upon your family's destruction for their livelihood.
If you extricate yourself from the situation and get out of the jurisdiction, you can save money for your daughter and her needs. It is the only way you can be assured that the money will go to her instead of lawyers, social workers and the ex.
You already know that she will not stop dragging you through the system until you are obliterated. You have to get out. One example is Mexico, where I live. The cost of living is low, technology is high and they can't touch you here.
My standard of living is substantially higher than in the US, but at a fraction of the cost. And, my weather is the best in the world.
Now, the good news. Kids are smart. They see what is going on around them and have an inherent sense of right and wrong. Your daughter will one day see the vicious nature of what her mother did -- all on her own.
She will figure it out. Make sure you never point it out. She will figure it out. Women know how other women are. You need to only point to the system and how they make mistakes and that you wanted to protect her and her assets from the system -- not her mother.
Kids always think they are half mom and half dad. If one of the parents hates the other parent, the kid thinks that parent half of them. Always blame the system, not the other parent.
I speak from over 20 years experience in this field. I cry and grieve that our country has become so funding focused that they capitulated to such wrong-headed and harmful practices and procedures -- and everyone in the system is dependent upon the furtherance of this travesty -- that I can barely sleep at night.
Sun Tsu talks about the inherent cost in waging war, the futility of fighting a long war, and how war impoverishes the state. At any rate, Sun Tzu's point was that in any conflict, our objective should be victory, not long campaigns. I believe that this is a valuable lesson of general application in life and applicable here.
P.S. There will NEVER be any hope of reconciliation with your wife. Women make up their minds and decide that there is no turning back before they make the move. Any hint of a possibility of reconciliation is a ploy to entrap you.
I cannot emphasize the truth of this enough. 100% of reconciliations that I have seen have been legal ploys and several ending up with the husbands going to prison for marital rape. Anyone who would do this to a child has no moral compass anymore. Yes, at one time might have had a moral compass, but has stepped over the line and the point of no return.
I know what you are going through hurts more than anything you could ever have imagined. The way you get over it is to win. The way you set things right is by succeeding and it destroys her entire plan and saves your daughter. Even if revenge is not a consideration (it never should be) the taste is still sweet.
You end up with a family. She ends up all alone in nursing home with nobody who cares. All that she will have to look forward to is crying and weeping and gnashing of teeth -- at the mercy of government nursing home employees who can't be fired -- and nobody to protect her because she drove the natural protector of the family away.
This was her choice, not yours. Now, you have a duty to yourself and to your daughter. Go do it and be there for her when the time comes. She's going to need you when she gets older. You are the only parent who can and will be there for her.
Stuart Miller is nationally recognized as an expert in domestic policy as it pertains to the family.
He is frequently called upon to testify before Congress, state legislatures, committees and regulatory groups.
In addition to drafting legislation for Virginia and Texas lawmakers, he has drafted amendments to the 1994 omnibus crime bill on family violence and has co-authored the proposed by Pepresentative Randy Forbes.
Mr. Miller has engaged in top level policy development with the White House Domestic Policy Counsel, the Welfare Reform Task Force and the Administration for Children & Families Office of Child Support Enforcement.
Mr. Miller also writes for the Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, San Francisco Chronicle, Playboy and is under a blanket freelance agreement with the Washington Times. He is the former host of a nationally broadcast radio show on 450 radio stations throughout the country.
Mr. Miller is Senior Legislative Analyst for the American Fathers Coalition, a national coalition of 250+ fathers rights groups in the United States. AFC's primary constituency is comprised of responsible fathers who want to participate in their children's lives emotionally, physically and financially.