Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Notes From Jail IV: Solitude

The following is a continuation of notes I composed to another while wrongfully imprisoned recently:

Thanks for sending me that quotation from Clint Eastwood recently. I've actually had another quote in my mind lately by Tyler Durden in the very well-written movie, "Fight Club": "You must lose everything in order to be free to do anything." Indeed. I in fact and remarkably feel very free right now as I reside in jail. I'm void of fear.

By the way, your handwriting is as gorgeous as you are- and almost as perfect. You are rather talented.

Jail isn't too bad, really. I've always believed that we are all imprisoned in various ways- in one way or another. Jail simply actualizes our reality, perhaps. Man, am I deep, or what? I've traded a terrible marriage for a very welcome philosophy.

Of course, you are the only girl I write to while I'm in jail. I did send my ex girlfriend Janice a four page letter last week. She likely will not reply to me, I'm sure. I trust you will continue to write me for the rest of your life.

Hayley wrote me in jail a couple of weeks ago after I wrote to her immediately after I got here. Not seeing Hayley or speaking with her is clearly a new experience in pain for me. I cry, and these tears are welcome. I did write Hayley back afterwards, and I'm sure the words I wrote to her will give her happiness.

So when we enter jail, we are not allowed to bring any possessions of any kind inside with us- such as addresses of others, or their phone numbers. We are not even allowed to bring such benign items as, say, machine guns.

So again, I'm glad you found me here, and continue to write me. Your words help me greatly tolerate my enviornment as I'm imprisoned.

Speaking with you on the phone on occasion combined with your letters to me greatly mend my depression. You are that much more in my soul now. I feel I owe you big time. Whatever you may want in the future from me, you shall have. You share my madness with me now.

Please get me a new wife as soon as you can, if you will not marry me yourself. There must be a catalogue or something for this that I seek. Or perhaps you could call for me one of those 'free' phone numbers, such as 1-800-976-BABE.

"I could get hit by a bus today. I might as well love the people I love, and take as many risks as possible." ---- Malin Akerman.

"Changing the world. That's what I plan on doing with my future." ---- Tristan Wilds.

I finally got some more paper to write on here in jail, as well as some stamped envelopes, coffee, crackers, and other items to eat this afternoon. I mailed you a very long letter that you may get this weekend from me. All mail I send you will go to your work address.

I still do not know when exactly I will leave jail. I do not have a set court date right now for these violations of law that are fictitious. I wrote my probation officer today as well to continue to ensure her support, and asked for her help in possibly getting me released from jail.

So I've done all I can do right now. I'll be in jail for an entire month next week. I'm at the mercy of those who have imprisoned me.

While I'd rather be someplace else besides jail, I actually feel pretty good. I'm completely detoxified, and this is a very good thing. I'm also motivated to re-invigorate my life. And I will do this once I am free.

I do not believe that I'll ever be able to fully mend what may be permanent damage my ex wife Molly has done to my family. Any attempts by me to repair such damage will likely land me in jail once again. I'm still striving to maintain my daughter Hayley's emotional and mental state, however. The family law system in this counbtry is more damaging to families than I could possibly have imagined.

When hostility replaces intimacy, society is in a clear state of apathy. So I feel I need to leave the state of Missouri as soon as I can. For one thing, I'm too compelled to fix this damage Molly has done to others. Yet jail is not where I wish to be.

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