Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Notes From Jail III: Clarity

The following is a continuation of notes I composed to another while wrongfully imprisoned recently:

I should really see you soon now that my mind is clear. If I do, I should really stay perhaps with your mother. This will truly test my endurance as well as my stamina, I believe. I'll be her slave, if she allows me to stay there.

I'm very glad I'm off of drugs of any kind now. It's been close to two months since I've taken my prescribed medications. My last refill I got was the day my ex wife Molly filed a restraining order against me.

So I got these prescriptions filled, and then I took over 100 pills of speed and tranquilizers within five days after that refill. At this time I was intentionally over-dosing myself, I really did not wish to live anymore. I'm thankfully no longer in that frame of mind. Suicide attempts seem to sneak up on me.

And I did not notice the brutal withdrawals as I've had in the past when getting of these particular drugs prescribed to me. This is due to the hell I'm going through now masking such symptoms.

It is very cool writing you like this again. If I recall correctly, the last time you wrote me in the year 1988, you were understandably pissed at me. So the letter I recently received from you here in jail was pleasantly refreshing.

And I'm sorry most recently for those times when I've snapped at you with what I've wrote to you when I've not been in jail, Jacki. I ask that you forgive me. I do care about you a great deal.

This method my ex wife molly has chosen to destroy our family with deliberate intent- a family filled with love from myself and my daughter Hayley- is very pathological. My heart remains full of love right now, yet this love no longer runs smoothly within my heart. I am channeling this love to Hayley, however. And I believe this is effective, and is working to benefit Hayley, as well as myself.

I wonder at times here in jail if I will ever marry or become a father again. Presently, I do not have a desire to do either. I was married for 20 years, and I have a beautiful daughter right now.

To initiate a sequel to my life so far just seems so wrong right now on many levels. This concept therefore seems very foreign to me presently. I believe I'll achieve happiness and peace any way my life may progress.

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