Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Notes From Jail I: Reflection

In the fall of 2009, I spent over a month in jail, and was wrongfully imprisoned due to a false restraining order filed against me from my estranged wife.

To achieve some level of freedom, I wrote, and I wrote a lot. I composed over 20 thousand words while in jail. Most of these words were letters to Jacki- a girl I dated 25 years ago, and who I lived with recently as well.

While in jail, and imprisoned in this fashion, one's mind becomes altered often. There is great misery, and great hope. My state of mind is reflected in what I wrote while there.

The following is one of several letters I sent Jacki while in jail:

I'm starting to get comfortable here, and this frightens me a bit. It's just that I'm powerless at this point about progressing my case that resulted in me being here now. I have a court date on October 15th, and I will ask to speak on my own behalf to the judge as well as the prosecutor so I can negotiate with them about my situation.

I'm very anxious to start my life again. I will do this as I recover from the unnecessary trauma inflicted upon me, and as I miss Hayley incredibly. Both cause me to experience severe intrinsic, and silent, pain.

This is nothing short of unimaginable hell, as this pain I feel is indescribable- it is in fact worse than any kind of chronic torture I can possibly conceive.

On the back of this note, I was chatting with a deaf kid named William here in jail with me. We got here on the same day, and he needs a lawyer as well as me. William may be going to prison for theft.

I'm cutting out words from various magazines on this Friday night to use when I write Hayley the next time. These letters that she and I are doing back and forth are really making me very happy in the midst of great misery.

It's Saturday morning now, and I just got off the phone with you. I'll be thinking of your voice all day, and for the days to come. Do not worry about me, please. I can and do take care of myself. Jail is jail. It is not suppose to be enjoyable..

I've told my story to more than one here in jail about my ex wife Molly, and what she has done. They frown upon the fact I did not harm Molly in any way after what she has done to me and my family.

Many are violent here, of course. This explains why law enforcement dudes automatically presumed that I was violent. Violent because of those who are my fellow inmates now. Many are very mean.

We finally got to go to the library today here in jail. I got some magazines. No dirty magazines here, I'm sorry to say. There is also a law library here in jail, and I'll request to go to this library soon.

It's Saturday night, and I called a friend of mine from high school a moment ago. I asked him to contact our other friends from high school to try and get me a legal agent. he and these other friends have had legal issues in the past of their own, and they know legal agents as a result.

I'll not be able to mail this letter to you till Tuesday. This gives me two full days to continue to write to you, and revise what I write. I tend to do this often.

I've felt a need tonight to hold Molly and my daughter Hayley, and cry with them. This hate that has infected Molly needs to be treated in such a way. It needs to be cured by love.

I'll never have my family back again, and I have to learn to live with this. But I'm compelled to fight evil such as this in my life now whenever I possibly can. Always. It hurts.

It's Sunday morning here in jail, and I just shared some candy with other inmates. This elevated my popularity greatly, cause I really do not fit in here with them, overall.

Justin takes a particular interest with you here in jail, as I speak of you to him often. He is a 25 year old good looking guy, and he is a new dad. His son was born as he is in jail with me.

He witnessed me illuminate when I first heard from you here in jail. And I showed him letters you sent me that I wrote to you way over 20 years ago, which I find incredible, what I wrote.


Anonymous said...

wow thats a movin story thankyou 4 shring Dan, u have obviously been thru quite alot. Whyte

TheRSVPNetwork said...

Very moving blog, I too can relate. After the storm comes the sunshine again, my friend, head high, no pain no gain. Many do not see the whole big picture and acting on impulse brings problems to anyone, from anyone.

Glad you are now out of jail, and spreading assertive humbleness to those meriting it.

Anonymous said...

I connect with this in a major way, as I had a very short experience in jail. It damaged my psyche, and last night was threatened by a 30 yr old son who thinks I am bad, and he is the controller, and more stable.because he learned this at his fathers knees, and disrespects me. I am having to back out of trying to have a relationship with any of my children, as they are angry toxic, damaging, and blame oriented who have no respect or compassion for me. Love does not touch them, and apparently nor does prayer.
Great rendering.
I know of what you speak and I thank you for sharing,

nicole said...

Dan, you have done well to not become consumed by hatred. Love must be very powerful within you.

I want to quote something here that I feel is very appropriate to you:

"The most beautiful people
we have known are those who have known defeat,
known suffering, known struggle, known loss,
and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation,
a sensitivity, and an understanding
of life that fills them with compassion,
gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen.....
They are made"

- Elizabeth K├╝bler Ross

This quote, I feel, was written for people like you.

Keep your spirits up, bye for now, Nicole