after 20 years of marriage, my ex-wife falsely accused me of striking her. I didn't touch her.
As a result of her lie, I have experienced arrest, incarceration, conviction, and loss of freedom. I am penniless and lived in my car for three months. I ate out of trash cans.
I now have temporary accommodation courtesy of a Veteran's Administration program for homeless men. I am 44-years-old.
I had made good money as a pharmaceutical salesman for companies such as Merck, Pfizer and Novartis. But I had been laid off and depressed for a year.
The night my former wife falsely accused me of violent crimes, she took my daughter and moved in with a girlfriend, who also had falsely accused her own husband a few years ago. I'm convinced they planned this together.
She filed a restraining order against me and I had two minutes to get out of my home. When I tried to retrieve a pair of shoes from my wife's SUV, I was arrested and spent 41 days in jail. While I was in jail, she sold our $250,000 house and captured all our joint assets. I had paid $30,000 of the down payment for that house.
I've been denied access to my 12-year-old-daughter entirely. The pain of this particular injury is indescribable.
My primary concern is the safety and well-being of my daughter. In fact, men typically do not leave an abusive relationship because they often fear for their children's safety. I raised my daughter. My wife never participated.
GENDER BIAS
Gender biased stereotypes have ultimately placed me at the mercy of our pathetic family law system who absolutely know nothing about me. They do not care to know me.
The following was retrieved from www.mediaradar.org, '50 Domestic Violence Myths':
1. Women are just as likely as men to engage in partner aggression, according to hundreds of studies. Partner violence, if it happens, is often mutual. Self defense accounts for only fifteen percent or so of partner aggression.
2. Less than five percent of domestic violence incidents involve couples in an intact marital relationship, such as mine was. Studies show marriage is clearly the safest partner relationship. In fact, most cases of family conflict do not involve physical violence at all. Mine never did.
3. I have a restraining order against me now. Over 2/3 of restraining orders issued are determined to be either unnecessary or false. Also, these orders do not prevent future violence from happening.
In fact, restraining orders may encourage violence.
Also, if I attempt to reconcile, I will get arrested. If I send my daughter a birthday card, I will be in jail. I've not spoken with or seen my wife or daughter in over two months now. Yet I've been arrested often during this time.
There is overt gender bias in the family law system. For example, if a man kills his wife, he will get about 20 years in prison, as he should. However, if a woman kills her husband, she will get about 5 years in prison.
Also, in divorce court, women are granted sole custody of their children about 65 percent of the time. There is in fact a frightening fatherhood crisis in our country. All modesty aside, as a dad, I completely rock out loud.
I'm a victim of domestic abuse myself. I suffered over a decade of brutal physical and emotional child abuse that you likely do not want to know about.
Meanwhile, I suggest that others stay out of this system. Resolve your disputes through negotiation. Do not share your dirty laundry with these anti-family law enforcers. Do not fight for your rights in a courtroom. By that time, it is too late.
I'm presently losing this battle, but I continue to stand up after I've been slammed to the ground several times. I'll stand up again.
I'm not angry or hateful about what is happening to me- this surreal nightmare that has manifested into a bizarre reality. I will not lower myself to be this way ever. And I will also never live in fear as a result of what is happening to me. If I do become fearful, I will lose this fight completely. And this is a fight I cannot lose. I love my daughter way too much.
So likely I will be in jail again. This is just a fact about my life now. That's OK, though. Because some battles need to be fought, and the results can lead to suffering.
So I fight.
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34 comments:
Continue the fight my friend.
Misandry exists at all levels.
good luck dan i hope it works out for you .
Wow man, sorry to hear about your plight; what's happened to you is absolutely diabolical. I truly hope things work out for you and your luck changes.
The woman pointed the most lethal process she could at Dan. Think of a gun, gents. What should Dan have done? Answer- Say nothing! Get a lawyer fast. Trust no one. Let the lawyer do all the talking. A gun is a deadly threat. Act accordingly within the appropriate domain (legality). Now, things are legally pointless. Bail out of the jurisdiction, Dan. The rest of you, learn from this experience. It was costly. Do not think of anyone else but you when they are trying to directly kill YOU. If the law slapped a child's mother into jail for false accusations (which require proof that a lawyer would demand), the child would be blaming the law, not her daddy. And after that, Daddy-no-longer-nice-guy should immediately sue for divorce or the Dr. Oprie watcher will be plotting her second shot.
I saw your blog from Henry Makow's site. At first I thought it was he who was living in a car. Then I saw that you were a guest writer.
I've always wondered how people get left living in their cars. Didn't you have any friends or family who would take you in?
You said you used to be a pharmaceutical rep but that you were unemployed and depressed for a year. Lord I know what that's like.
What I'm getting at is, is it possible that you were depressed and thus you were having a pity party for yourself (I don't mean that derogatory as I've been there myself. You close in and you don't want any help from anyone), and is it possible that you wanted to live in your car?
I know that sounds harsh but there has to be another side to this story.
Either way, it affected me. If you were truly alone, I'm sorry and can't imagine what you went through.
But half way through your story, I have to be honest, I started to wonder...what's her side?
Great writing, btw. I hope everything works out.
I have seen this time and again. And it is incredibly biased. The assumption that one is guilty simply because the police were called, with no physical evidence. I knew a guy who was arrested after his GF cut HIM with a butcher knife. I was arrested for an accusation, because I was throwing my old GF out of MY house. She didn't want to go. But when they arrested me, they told ehr she had to go. Then she recanted and told the police she was drunk! Unbelievable. Sorry for your situation, the laws really need to be changed. They are set up foir people who are truly abused, not as a legal tactic to retain power over a relationship or garner better divorce rights. The sad part is...some lawyers even suggest this to female clients so they can get a bigger bite in a divorce settlement.
Of course none of this would have happened if you did NOT get married. When a man married a women he is essentially marrying the government.
At any time, for any feeling you'll be crashed by the divorce and child support industry as you now well know.
The only real solution at this time is simply to avoid marriage and co-habitation and to protect your assets. The latter is important you can still be falsely charged with children whom are not your from women you've never even met, false accusations of sexual harassment in the workplace, dating violence (false date rape claims) and so forth.
Women are wired by biology to want a different man every 4 years or so. They are also wired to want your asserts for theirs & to kick you out of your (now hers) nest. Men whom get married these days really know nothing about women.
Remember: Men are more logical and practical at all things save relationships, marriage, "love" and children. There women are coldly and cruelly predatory.
aMGHOW
Feminisms biggest deception. We live in a matriaracle society, a society controlled by the women.
When one marries there are actually 3 parties to the CONTRACT. A man, a woman and THE STATE. By default, upon entering this CONTRACT, the man, voluntarily, is now in a legally and financially subservient position to the woman and the state which act together. It's man vs woman and state. Lawyers work together to "churn" the bill and antagonize and prolong to that end. Thus the phrase "who really wins in divorce"? The attorneys! Is very true.
The best defense for us men is education. google and download the book called "The Predatory Female". This book says right up front "women view men as a source of security" "women marry for security not love". Love is a fantasy, the means to an end. Deception in the form of "hiding they're intentions" are the basic weapon of this creature. Entrenched and protected by the matriaricle society we live in. They are encouraged to do as they please and since all men are "invisible" and dispensible we are finished before we start. Truth is we were never anything more than the "invisible man". Sad but true. Women who do not fit this description are rare indeed and should be treasured!
My brother survived the criminal aspect of the false accusation of domestic abuse. Luckily for him, the judge and the state could see that she was a liar. However, he did lose the 'custody battle' with his kids over it. His attorney got him an emergency visitation order, failing to tell him that it automatically gave the mother custody. He told him at the time he shouldn't fight for joint custody with the pending charges.
It's always the kids that suffer in this. That was her plan all along; she knew she wouldn't win custody out right, so she tried to do it the dirty way.
I feel your pain, and by going through this with my brother, I've come to realize what a MAJOR problem these false accusations have become. Scarier is that there are actually lawyers out there that will advise their clients to do it...though that's very hard to prove!
You aren't over the hill yet...you wanna talk about unfair and injustice...wait till you start to deal with the criminal child support system.
Dan, I've been there and experienced first hand the almost identical treatment and loss. Looking back in time, my advice is: Let it go!! Leave it behind, start a new life. This may be the hardest thing to do, especially when children are involved, I know. Those, that advice you to fight, are either lying lawyers or have not been through a corrupt system.
Be prepared!
Study up on “PAS” Parent Alienation Syndrome, the situation can and might get even worst!
I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I'm a divorced woman who took nothing from her husband and would never take a dime. These women who steal money, children, make up lies about abuse, etc., are just the worst form of evil. I'm sorry many women act like this. Children suffer so much with their mothers playing games vs. their father. I can't ever recall hearing a man doing such a thing. I can't imagine wanting to hurt the father of your child. Unbelievable.
Dan I feel for you. This ex-women doesn't really understands the bond between a father and his children. Though as men we don't wear our emotions on our sleeves, every waking moment is dedicated into making our children lives better than our own. We will work in freezing weather, rain and work long hours at risky occupations, to give them the things they need. Fathers take the risk so our family will be the better for it. I myself strap on a bullet proof vest and 9mm everyday. I don't do it be a hero. I do it because that is the job available to me in this ruined economy. I do it for my daughter. To feed her, cloth her and shelter her. I will work 10 hours just to see her smile for 20 seconds.
Thanks to all who have commented on my posts- your words are greatly appreciated.
I really feel for you. My Husband is going through the same predicament with his Ex wife. Both the ex wife and mother in law filed bogus charges. He cannot get a job and rarely has access to the children. The laws are meant to protect the GUILTY, not the INNOCENT !!!!!!
Seriously?????
There are 3 sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.....
Maybe you should channel the energy you put into your blogs, into getting your life together...
Jason hit it right on the nose, you totally come across as such an innocent victim. I KNOW first hand what your ex-wife has gone through and believe me, what you've put her through would make most women crumble!! The fact that you emailed this blog to her says a lot.
I won't go into the things you've done, you know what they are, and YOU have to live with it. Unfortunately, your daughter is paying the price
It's sad that people on here would so easily slam your ex-wife, not knowing her side, shows ya why people are so messed up... At least Jason was sensible..
Put your big boy pants on, grow up and own up to what you've done and to the pain you've caused to so many. Maybe you can be a better father to the child your girlfriend is expecting....
Do not email your ex wife anymore as we have all told her since she has you blocked and you continue to email her work email, she will from now on delete instead of giving you the satisfaction you are searching for...
I dare you to post this Dan,
from,
A concerned friend of your ex-wife whom you have made it a mission to continually hurt and harass her. Move on!!!!
"There are 3 sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth"
Lets itemize in on the truth.
Side #1. No winners in this earthly venture only losers.
Side #2. Destruction of the family is his goal with separation from God.
Side #3. This is his agenda since the beginning, you really all do know who and what is at work amongst us all here!
I am very touched by your situation and believe you. I was married for 11 tough years to a woman who used me for the cushy life I could provide and for the money she send her family back in the Philippines. She told me one night that her girlfriends AT CHURCH informed her that all she had to do is call the police and claim i had hit her and I would be thrown in jail. Then she could get MY house and prevent me from ever returning. I realized that the marriage was over at that point, because without trust, what is left but fear and disgust? I divorced her and gave up half of all my assets, including my business. I am now afraid to trust or love any woman.
By the way, I would not post Karen's comments if I were you. Why give her the satisfaction? Daring you is just a trick to get you to do it. Good luck man.
Fleeing to another country is a great idea. I intend to do it soon, now that my daughter is 20 and living with her boyfriend.
Jason, u idiot.
He was living in a car, cause he had no house (do you understand english? ), have no job so no money (can you read?), and just left prison.
To have friends, who let anyone in these conditions, in their own houses is not easy. Less, for as long as it takes.
Hope u read other comments, cause some show similar stories - guess what, this happens a lot. Maybe one day, to your kids. Or family ones. Hope not, but the law is for everyone
Port, apparently you're the idiot. Do you always believe everything you hear?
Has it occurred to you that his ex wife has a version??? Did you know he's threatened her? Emptied out their home and sold everything he could, among a long list of other things? Did I mention verbal AND physical abuse???
Yes, you're the idiot, not Jason
Btw Dan,
Is it really wise to post your daughter's picture on a public sight such as this?? I don't think so...
And, wildbill, fleeing the country, you're an idiot as well.
Jason
U already said that, and i answered u .
SO, try to answer me back, and not repeat urself again. Cause, I already answered u.
And u dont answer a single fact, a single line, I post
As I said, u seem to be an idiot, cause again, u dont understand english. At least, u dont answer nothing other people say / write.
When I call u idiot, is not an insult. Its because of that.
U dont answer nothing, u go on, and on, an on, repeat urself , and not paying attention to other people words.
That was the case, again, with me.
I answer u, I post arguments, facts. And what u said ? The same thing, again. That the other part may have a version (what a surprize, lol. The "other version" was clear by the author of the blog. That she acuses him of DV!! Do u think no one understand, lol ? Its perfectly clear to anyone. Why u came to say again the same, is insane (sorry).
The blog is about DV , is about his story that the other person acuse him, so why u came saying that again ?
About u saing that I should not believe in other persons, I agree with you.
Thats why I dont believe, guess, in you.
karen " I KNOW first hand what your ex-wife has gone "
You could not know first hand, cause u only listen to your friend. Karen, thats not first hand. Its second hand
" The fact that you emailed this blog to her says a lot. "
WHy you complain ? It shows that the author is not hiding nothing. And u complain ?
(see, u complain when the author is honest, and shows the blog to his ex-wife. Thats a false acusation, yes it is. )
" I won't go into the things you've done, you know what they are, and YOU have to live with it. "
Like living in car, etc.
Yes, is very bad.
" Unfortunately, your daughter is paying the price "
Why ? Shes living with the mõther, so acording to her, its ok. But u said shes not, shes paying the price, to live with her mother. Without a father.
This one.
SO... ?
I love my wife, I have no reason to believe that she would ever do anything like this...but...if she ever did I have already developed in my mind that I need my backpack, my walking shoes, my instruments of self defense and some cash to eat with and I'm on the road and not looking back. So I'm a hobo then, it's better than a bitter combatant that has to defend themselves to their children against the sudden turn around attitude of their mother. I can only be infinite love and live infinite love. I cannot command others to do so. Someday my children would understand. No lawyer or judge or social worker is going to work things out for a family, they are all in it for the money, don't fool yourself. All forces of government are anti family as family is love and freedom and government is cursed money and law and oppression and fear generation. You must dedicate everything to loving yourself with all your heart mind and soul, and then loving your neighbor as yourself. That relationship must be reciprocal for it to be effective, and if not, you must move on to neighbors that love themselves with all their heart mind and soul. Then, render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's, and render unto satan what is satan's. Your children will come to you if you can follow these simple commandments of Christ, and then pray with the belief that it will happen. Using the fictional courts as a means will only crush you heart mind and soul.
Apparently Karen doesn't know what she doesn't know. She spouts off as if she knows Mr. Abshire... but she does not give evidence that she was there to witness any abuse or violence firsthand.
Consider the source.
Anonymous said...
I had 2 daughters also that I raise I haven't see them for 3 years, will never see them again, my ex has the best dirty lawyer of the silicone valley, each time I try something I found myself with new false allegations threat, this system terrified me. I piratically lost my mind to be separate from my 2 daughters. The strongest win, and yes this is warr.
what a sad story, one that I am so sorry to hear. Not all of us woman are like that so take heart.
I have had my daughter alienated from me by her father. We were never married but since he found out about her I have encouraged their relationship. I didn't even ask for Child support back then, didn't want to scare him off.
So today my 15 y/o daughter lives with her Dad. He lets her do whatever she wants. She hates me. Very heartbreaking. I feel your pain because it is my own.
I totally understand. I fared better than you did, although my "relationship" with the accuser was only a fiery three months. I broke up with her because she was in fact married, and the only reason I was ever "together" with her was because she said she was on the contraceptive shot, but she lied and became pregnant and refused abortione even after I discovered she was married.
There IS a solution to the biased court system with regards to false domestic assault charges
I am not a lawyer and I dont make any money from this. I am just a man and it ENRAGES ME that the system is so biased against men.
The solution is Private Prosecutions.
The cops ignore you, or tell you that theres nothing they can do. The prosecutor tells you to go to the police. You know you can prove that the allegation against you was false; but nobody seems to care, the police may even agree.
What do you do?
You gather your own evidence. Excruciatingly exacting evidence. You become your own investigator, prosecutor, CSI, whatever. Photographs, court documents, you can go to court and file a motion to produce the police case-files as evidence.
When you have built a rock solid case that the allegation was false; you file a Private Prosecution in court. You do not need a lawyer. It costs you nothing. You get a 'laying of information meeting' with the judge. You present your case and your evidence that the crime that has been committed is Public Mischeif, by definition, "leading an officer of the peace to conduct an investigation which you know to be false".
If your evidence is sufficient, the judge will issue a warrant or promise to appear and the DA or Crown prosecutor will then have to take over the case; they may instruct the police to begin a different investigation this time - an investigation into how the charges were false and a crime.
Once this happens, it is out of your hands.
It is very annoying that as men we have to do all the work for the justice system in order to get a fair case.. However it is the only way to get the job done.
If the prosecutor takes over the case then stays the charges, you can file FOI requests to see what process he followed in order to drop the charge. If the DA/Crown didnt do due diligence, you can then go after them too and lay the charge again on the grounds that the charge was stayed on insufficient grounds - and give that prosecutor one hell of a wake up call - maybe it will be him living in a car next time.
I feel your pain man. Keep up the fight and please take my advice.
I think it's evil when a court upholds a restraining order without any evidence and in other cases dismisses it even though there is a ton of evidence. Humanity is a hard task master, but if you keep fighting, I believe good will prevail. I've noticed that even though it takes time, the ones who are have no evil intent eventually prevail. You will prevail in this situation ... eventually.
I think it's evil when a court upholds a restraining order without any evidence and in other cases dismisses it even though there is a ton of evidence. Humanity is a hard task master, but if you keep fighting, I believe good will prevail. I've noticed that even though it takes time, the ones who are have no evil intent eventually prevail. You will prevail in this situation ... eventually.
It seems that the system is unfair to EVERYONE who is accused, without sufficient evidence, and incarerated, their rights taken from them, jailed, restraining orders, no or supervised visits with children, who were not even involved in the alleged incident. I was arrested,along with my boyfriend and only charges were pressed against me. He has a long, long history of felony abuse, violence, drugs and alcohol. It WAS our first instance of actual violence, all because he had started using again, and his perceptions/paranoia and reckless disrgard for safety while enraged.I scratched him, while trying to get him off of me, when he fell, after opening a car door into me (he says he didn't even see me there, which he may NOT have in his condition and his rage). NO proof, and we are both in jail for two days, and I now have a $10,000 attorney, a jury trial scheduled and his lying sister and brother in law don't want to testify and he left the state...doesn't help me at all...as I NEED them on the stand to tell the truth, or have my attorney get the truth out of them, as I'm sure they don't recall what they said, as they made up straight out and out lies, and I was on the PHONE at the time, with my insurance agent, when they say I was fighting in the front yard. I never said a word. I went out AFTER they left the house to ask them to DRIVE and not him, because he was drunk. He all ready totaled one car while drunk ...I just moved back to CA and the state I was IN, has NO such Domestic Violence laws. You need a complaining witness at trial or there IS no trial..The new standard in CA, I'm told by the police is IF there is a call, one or both are going to jail. Well, I guess that will keep a WHOLE bunch of abused folks from even thinking of calling for help. They say it has cut homicides in half. Probably has,NO one can afford to stay around the family and go thru the fines, anger classes for a YEAR, and restraining orders (two homes, etc). Now, if only we can stop those annoying calls the police have to respond to..like robbery,theft and burglary by arresting the caller, and/or the other person (s) involved. There would be HALF the calls to police for those crimes too, if the caller got hauled off to jail half or more of the time.
I just came from a site that has some of your articles and thought about how true the things you talk about are. As a woman who came from a domestic violence situation where my mother was just as guilty as stepfather#1. I saw her purposely push him into hitting her, she threw a butcher knife at his chest and thank god he had a coat on and it bounced off, she used to beg him to hit her and then have us kids call the cops. He was no better either. One sister told me about the time her,our mom and stepfather#4 were all at work and he was running back and forth to a garbage bin and throwing up he was so sick with the flu, but he wouldn't go home cause she bitched about money. By the time they got close to home he asked to be dropped off cause she wanted to go shopping. She layed into him calling him names and bitching big time cause she didn't want to drive herself around. And the stuff she did to me, well I won't go into that, but it's been about 8 year since I've spoken to psycho bitch from hell and I've never been so happy and content. You have all my sympathy and I believe every word you say. Someday I hope you see your daughter, she will remember how good a dad you were and she will also remember how her mom took you away from her. My mom poisoned my relationship with my father with her lies,she was jealous and cruel now it's her thats on the cutting block.She even tried to get me to leave my husband who's a real sweetheart,very loving and kind like my father so I could come live with her to help her pay her bills. Your daughter will come looking for you when she's older and kids remember the truth, I promise, You'll just have to wait and be patient. As much pain as your going through now, someday it will be a distant memory.
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